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  "Yeah. That's why, for the couple of times that he's been here, I retreat to my room. I'm not ready to face him yet. It's bad enough that I left, but then I had his unborn child aborted. It was an awful time in my life." Don’t go there, Amanda. Do not let those memories surface, I quickly remind myself. I can’t break down in front of Ice.

  "Fuck, Honey, that sucks. I'm really sorry, hun." He nudges my shoulder and says, "You’ll be able to face him when the time is right."

  God, I love this man. I say, "I know." We're both silent for several minutes and then I say, "You didn't mention anything about the addiction thing, or the abortion."

  "No, I didn't."

  "So it doesn't bother you?"

  "Look, Honey, everyone has a past. We've all done things that we're not proud of. But I can see that you are truly trying to change your life around and I admire that. You're on the right course and I would never hold your past against you."

  "You really are something."

  "What do you mean by that?" he asks.

  "It's just that I have never met anyone like you. You're a big, strong biker dude, president of this MC. You're demanding and hard…but at the same time, you're one of the most understanding and kind guys I have ever met. You're one in a million, Ice. Don't ever forget that."

  "Oh, baby, if you only knew. But thank you."

  "So how long have you been president?" I ask. I've wondered about this for a while now, but it never seemed to be the right time to ask.

  "I was voted in as president about three months before you came."

  "That's it? I thought you'd been president for a lot longer."

  "Oh really?"

  "Yeah. So what happened to the guy who was president before you?"

  "He was killed by a rival MC."

  "Oh no! Which one?"

  "The only one that gave us problems, the Satans. But I quickly took care of that."

  "What'd you do?"

  "Let's just say that they crawled back into their hole after I was done with them. Hopefully never to be heard from again."

  "Oh."

  Ice drinks the last of his bourbon and then looks at his watch. "Well darl'n, I think I'm gonna call it a night. Thanks for keeping me company."

  "Anytime, Ice," I reply.

  He gets up from the barstool and turns to me. He leans down and kisses me on the cheek and says, "You know, Honey, you'll always have a home here."

  It's a good thing I'm still sitting because I can feel my legs go weak. Fuck, it was just a kiss on the cheek. A little breathless, I reply, "Thanks, Ice, I appreciate that."

  As he turns and walks away, everything inside me is screaming to follow him and offer myself to him. Lord knows I want to, but I know that would ruin everything. I take a few minutes to get my wits back and then get up, turn out the lights, and head to my room.

  More memories of my past begin to consume my mind.

  I’m still at the rehab center and I’m now fifteen days clean. I made it through most of the detox and now I am just dealing with the everyday urge to use again. I am told that they won’t release me until I am clean for two months. God, that seems like such a long time. But they say that first they heal the mind, then the body. I never knew the drugs took such a toll on my physical well-being. My body needs hydration, so they make me drink ungodly amounts of water every day. They are constantly checking my meals, ensuring that I am eating nutritionally balanced food. And they allow me to sleep as much as I want, which is the best part of all this. I’m so fucking tired every day.

  Chapter 4

  "Happy Gotcha Day, Honey!" Rebel exclaims as he comes down the stairs and enters the common room.

  "Gotcha Day?" I ask.

  "Yeah, it's two years today that we gotcha."

  "Oh my God, Rebel, really? You couldn't come up with anything better than that?"

  "Hey, I worked hard on that. And at least I remembered."

  "Well, there is that." I sigh. "Wow, two years." It’s hard to believe; I really can't imagine my life without my boys. "I'm surprised that you even remember that."

  "Well, it's easy for me. I came to the club just a few months before you, so your gotcha day and my gotcha day are close."

  "Oh, I didn't realize that."

  "Yeah, I was sent here from Ireland by my parents. My uncle was the former MC president."

  "The one that was killed by the Satans?"

  "Yeah."

  "Oh, I'm sorry."

  "It was hard to swallow finding that out when I first got here, but I helped Ice avenge his death and somehow it seemed to make it a lot better."

  "What did you guys do?"

  "Now Honey, you've been with the club long enough to know we don't divulge club business to our women."

  "Yeah, I know," I say, disgusted. I never asked Ice about what he did and I was really hoping that Rebel was gonna tell me. Damn, these boys are tight-lipped.

  "Well, I gotta run. Have a good day, Honey."

  "Yeah, you too, Rebel." He grabs his keys and gets up from the barstool and heads for the door.

  The club is having a big family gathering tonight and I'm so looking forward to it. Hawk was right, they are a lot of fun and I really enjoy spending time with the ladies.

  The party has been going on now for about four hours. The kids have all been sent home with babysitters and everyone is kicking back, drinking, and having a good time. I swear I am the only one not drinking tonight. But that's ok. I'm still enjoying myself.

  Now don’t get me wrong, I still find it hard to be around all the booze and there are times when it really annoys me as to how much they drink. I guess annoy is a harsh word, as I realize that I am more jealous of their ease with their alcohol consumption. For me, the temptation is always there and I struggle with it every day. But I knew that would be part of my recovery and I know that each instance that I don’t drink only makes me stronger.

  A few of the members have left, but most of them are still here. We're all hanging out in the back of the clubhouse, near a huge fire pit with a raging fire. Some of us are sitting around the fire, others are milling around talking. Ice and Hawk are off to the side, deep in conversation. They keep looking over to me and it makes me curious. I walk over to them and say, "Hey guys, can I freshen those drinks for you?"

  "No thanks, Honey, I'm good. Besides, you aren't supposed to be working during these parties," Ice says.

  "I know, but you know how I am. I can't help it." They laugh. What is so funny? I wonder. They both seem off to me, which makes me even more curious than I was before.

  To my surprise, Hawk walks away abruptly. What's his problem?

  "Was it something I said?" I ask Ice.

  "No, Honey, more like something I said, I think. But he won't admit it."

  "What's that?"

  "Awww no, nothing to worry your pretty little head about."

  I'm frustrated because I have a feeling that this has something to do with me, but I have no idea what it could be about. I decide to go talk to Hawk. When I catch up to him, I say to his back, “Hey Hawk.”

  He stops and turns back toward me. “Hey.” His tone is short, which worries me. I feel like I must have done something, but I don’t understand his anger.

  “Got a minute?”

  “Yeah. What’s up?” He sounds reluctant, but I’m not going to let him off the hook. I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.

  “I want to know why you are so upset.”

  “It’s nothing, darling.”

  “Don’t tell me that. I can tell by your tone and the fact that you walked away back there that something is upsetting you.”

  “You know what, Honey? I am upset. But I am not going to tell you why.”

  “But …”

  “No, stop. I’m not gonna tell you why because you should already know. But it’s too late anyhow. Ice is my prez, my brother, and my best friend. I will not go against him.” He rakes his fingers through his hair. “You don’t know a lot about me, darling
, but I’ll tell you this: I’ve walked a thousand miles to get here and I don’t make any excuses for myself. I left my family when I was still young and never went back for reasons that I won’t go into. I made a family of a different kind here, just like you. I have seen all kinds of things, including death. I know I can’t stop the train wreck that is about to happen, and frankly, I’m not even gonna try.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You’ll see,” he says and turns and walks away.

  I want to run after him, but I have learned not to press and so I keep my mouth shut. I turn to walk back toward Ice. “How’d that go?” he asks.

  I shake my head and say, “Hell if I know.”

  I turn to leave and Ice calls back to me, "Why don't you stay and keep me company? We can people-watch."

  I turn back to face him, "People-watch?"

  "Yeah, I do it all the time. It's fun."

  "Well, I've noticed that you spend a lot of time always off to the side, on your own. You really don't like to mingle, do you?"

  "Nope, I'm not a mingling kinda guy."

  "I see that."

  We spend the next couple of hours hanging out together, people watching. And Ice is right—it’s fun. We spend most of the time laughing and when the last of the members leave, it's just Ice and I. We're now sitting by the fire, and the embers are beginning to fade. It's really late. The conversation lulls and it's starting to get chilly. I get up from the chair and say, "Well, I think I'll turn in."

  As I start to walk away, he grabs my hand and says, "Stay with me." My heart jumps to attention. Is he asking what I think he's asking?

  I stop walking and turn back to look at him curiously. He's still holding my hand. "Ice?"

  "Stay with me," he repeats.

  I still have no words. I think, Just say what you want!

  He must have heard my silent plea, because the next words out of his mouth send tingles all down my body. Ice says, "Look darl'n, I know I said you would stay hands-off, but fuck, I want you." He gets up from his chair and moves in close. "Your fucking perfume has been driving me insane all night." He leans in and kisses me on the neck, then moves his lips so that they linger right behind my ear. His breath is gliding across my skin, causing goosebumps all the way down to my toes.

  Everything in me just wants to melt in his arms, but my self-respect is at stake. Although it pains me to say what needs to be said, I do it anyway: "I'm not a fuck-and-dump kind of girl, Ice."

  He backs away and looks at me curiously. "Fuck-and-dump?"

  "Yeah. Hawk told me that you don't do relationships and that you are a fuck-and-dump guy."

  He laughs. "Fair enough. You're right, I don't do relationships. I've spent the majority of my adult life waiting and I'm not so sure I want to wait anymore."

  "What are you waiting for?" I ask.

  "Nothing you need to know about."

  "I don't know, Ice. Part of me wants to, but the other part of me is afraid."

  "Afraid that tonight will be it?" he asks and I nod. He rakes his hand through his hair and says, "Look, I won't make you promises that I can't keep. But I will promise you this—tonight won't be a fuck-and-dump night."

  Like a love-sick fool, I agree. What have I just agreed to? A world of heartache! my subconscious quickly reminds me. Ice turns to leave, taking my hand and leading me back into the clubhouse. I follow him up the back staircases and directly to his room. Holy fuck, this is really gonna happen!

  Once we're inside his room, he closes the door behind him and walks over to me. I'm wearing a short jean skirt and a low cut V-neck t-shirt and flip-flops. "Take off your shoes," he says. I slip out of them and he wraps one arm around my waist, pulling me close. He begins backing me directly toward the wall. Once I have nowhere else to go, his hands slip beneath my skirt and he cups my ass. He moans and says, "You're wearing a thong. I fucking love thongs."

  I have no time to think or answer, as the only thing that is on my mind is how his hands burn on my ass. He pulls me against him. Dipping his head against the top of my shirt, his lips brush against the swell of my breasts. I sigh breathlessly as pleasure rockets through my body.

  He pushes himself up against me and I can feel his erection pushing at my core. He lifts my arms above my head and holds them up briefly while he stares down at me. "You are a beautiful woman, Honey," he says, then adds, "You look …" He hesitates while he still continues to lock his gaze with mine. "You look sexy as hell like that," he finally says. He then trails his hands down the sides of my body as he moves in to kiss me. My arms instinctively wrap around his neck as I pull him closer. My insides are all fluttery and I feel as if I am freefalling. His hands roam all over my body. He hungrily caresses and digs at my skin. I'm panting when he pulls away from our kiss. He reaches again under my skirt and yanks my panties off, ripping them to shreds.

  He moves his hand between my legs and rubs his finger directly against my opening. I moan breathlessly. "I can't decide whether to bend you over and fuck you or suck on this," he says as he slides his finger inside.

  "Oh God, Ice, I can't take anymore," I cry out. He swiftly lifts me up as if I weigh nothing and carries me over to the bed, setting me on the edge. Before I can utter another word, he kneels before me. Holy fuck. Ice, the President of the Knights of Silence MC, is kneeling before me. The power that it affords me is exhilarating. Hiking up my skirt and moving my legs to drape over his shoulders, he leans in and begins to lick my pussy. He starts slow, teasing me, but then picks up the pace. His tongue is relentless against my clit and I can't help but cry out his name as pleasure shoots through my body. My orgasm comes quickly and he moans, not stopping until I do. It's too much. It's delicious, and I want more.

  He crawls up on the bed and kisses me. I can taste myself on him and it's so fucking sexy. I reach down and grasp the button on his jeans, pulling and tugging to free him. Getting the button undone, I then reach for the zipper and tug it down quickly. All the while, his lips never leave mine.

  "Wait," he says. He gets up from the bed and removes his jeans. He then opens the drawer to his nightstand and pulls out a condom and sheaths himself.

  Oh fuck, I didn't think of that. Thank God he did. He then leans down and pulls my skirt off. He crawls back up on the bed and I have to touch him. I reach down and begin to caress his balls. He moans in pleasure. I grab onto his dick and guide him to me. I have to feel him inside me and I can't wait any longer.

  I arch my back to meet him as he pushes inside me. He's fucking huge and his dick stretches my walls, but it feels so fucking good. I'm so wet, but I need to adjust to his girth. "Your pussy feels so good, love," he says. If I wasn't all flesh and bones, I would melt right here and now. He begins moving inside me, burying himself deep.

  "Oh, God," I cry. "Harder! Please!" I beg.

  He obeys, pounding relentlessly into me. I'm being fucked like I have never been fucked before, and I know that no other man will ever compare to this. I scream as pleasure fills my body. I cum hard and fast, but Ice doesn't stop. He hisses as he continues to pump inside of me until he finds his own release. "Aww fuck, Honey!" he says as he falls on top of me.

  Aww, fuck is right. That has got to be the best sex I've ever had. He gets up from the bed and walks into the bathroom, I assume to remove the condom and clean himself up. A few minutes later he comes back with a washcloth and to my surprise, he begins to clean me as well. Yep, I'm in love and my heart is going to break. I'm fucking doomed.

  When he's done, he goes back into the bathroom and closes the door. He says nothing and suddenly I feel like I don't belong here. His lack of words at this point when I need affirmation the most leaves me feeling that I have just been used. It was the one thing I was warned about and I wanted to avoid. Holding back tears, I quickly get up from the bed and get dressed. Just as I'm about to leave, the bathroom door opens.

  "Where are you going?" he asks.

  "Back to my room," I reply.

  "Ok," h
e says.

  I know I made the right call. As soon as the door closes behind me, the tears begin to fall. Thank God everyone else is in bed. It's bad enough I have to do the walk of shame, but it would be even worse if it was in front of the entire MC.

  As I walk through the dark common area of the clubhouse, making my way to the other side of the building and my room, I hear a low voice say, "I told you so." I turn back and see Hawk sitting at the bar in the dark with only the glow of his cigarette for light. I didn't know he smoked, I've never seen him smoke until now. There is a glass of what I assume is bourbon sitting in front of him. He's right, he warned me…and I'm too embarrassed to offer a response. I now know what he meant by train wreck. I nod and turn back toward the stairs and go to my room.

  Chapter 5

  What I totally expected to be a fuck and dump with Ice actually turned out better than I thought. We've been fuck buddies for a while now. He said that he's grown tired of the sweetbutts and wanted someone more consistent. He's told me several times that this is not a relationship, but he calls me his "goto girl." I know it sounds slutty, but I'm hopeful. The sex is amazing and I keep praying that he will see that I'm the girl for him. I've been with the club for three years now. It becomes more and more a home for me every day. Well, until today.

  Earlier, a woman in hysterics appeared at the gate, saying that she needed to see Caden. I have no idea who Caden is, but obviously Ice knows, because she's in his office right now crying. I bet this Caden guy is one of the members and got this girl knocked up, so now she's coming to Ice for help. But why would he help her? Does he know her? Maybe she's a cousin or some other relative.

  Just then Rebel comes out into the common area and says, "Tiny and Honey, Ice wants to see you."

  We walk into his office and I see the girl in question sitting in one of the chairs across from his desk. Her eyes are all puffy, but underneath her tears, she's absolutely stunning. I'm instantly jealous and I want to know who the fuck this woman is and how she knows Ice.